Going Home
by Chewie-Fan
Summary: DEADLIEST CATCH:  Songfic posted to honor the first anniversary of Phil Harris' passing.  Blends fiction and real life as seen on the TV show.  The male characters own themselves and the female characters are fictional!
1. Chapter 1

**Going Home**

**PREFACE: **

This songfic was inspired by two things – my love for the Cornelia Marie family on _Deadliest Catch_ and the lyrics of the song, _I'm Going Home_. In keeping up with the goings-on of the fishermen over the summer, I read that Josh Harris was spending time with an old girlfriend in the spring, and by the end of the summer had a new girlfriend who lived in Vegas. In blending real life as seen on the TV show and fiction, this story evolved.

I have the utmost respect for how both men, Josh and Jake, carried themselves in Season Six of _Deadliest Catch_, and I hope that comes through in the story. They both had a tremendous burden to carry, and in the end, carried it well. They and their father, Phil Harris, showed us how to process the pain, anger and helplessness that accompany grief, both in dealing with addictions and death.

The purpose of this story was to write a **fictional** account of how emotions are processed when relationships end. Sometimes the love never goes away – it just changes into something that we cherish, but no longer need. It is true that the greatest love affair is with yourself – be true to yourself, your values and your ideals, and a good life will follow.

**DISCLAIMER:**

I have no idea what Discovery owns when it comes to Deadliest Catch; so please don't sue me, Discovery! I do not own these fine characters – they own themselves and they own the words they spoke. The original characters are the women: Christina Edberg, Tammy, Jessica Daniels, Vanessa, and Samantha (although I did borrow the Vegas connection). Although inspired by snippets of information from the internet,** these women** **are ****fictional**.

I don't have Chris Daltry's permission to reprint these lyrics, but they are all over the internet – so it's already been done. I am not making any money off of this story and do not plan to!

* * *

**INTRODUCTION:**

**I'm Going Home **(by Chris Daltry)

I'm staring out into the night

Trying to hide the pain

I'm going to the place where love

And feeling good don't ever cost a thing

And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain

I'm going home

Back to the place where I belong

And where your love has always been enough for me

I'm not running from

No, I think you got me all wrong

I don't regret this life I chose for me

But these places and these faces are getting old

So I'm going home

Well I'm going home

The miles are getting longer, it seems

The closer I get to you

I've not always been the best man or friend for you

But your love remains true

And I don't know why

You always seem to give me another try

Be careful what you wish for

'Cause you just might get it all

You just might get it all

And then some you don't want

Be careful what you wish for

'Cause you just might get it all

You just might get it all, yeah

I'm going home

Back to the place where I belong

And where your love has always been enough for me

I'm not running from

No, I think you got me all wrong

I don't regret this life I chose for me

But these places and these faces are getting old

So I'm going home

Well I'm going home

* * *

**CHAPTER 1**

_I'm staring out into the night trying to hide the pain…_

A cold rain fell, as it did most winter nights in Seattle. Christina Edberg placed the last of her utensils in the dishwasher, and stared out the kitchen window. She had been offered transfers to Oakland and San Diego over the past two years, and had turned both down. An East Coast office was opening in the fall, and this time she planned to accept the job. She wondered, however, if the distance would be enough to escape the pain she had felt everyday for the past three years. He had chosen his father over her. She hadn't forgiven him… and hadn't stopped loving him.

* * *

Josh Harris walked through the airport and found Johnathan Hillstrand waiting for him. Josh had pushed his feelings aside when the crisis with his dad first hit, but now as he rode to the hospital and listened to John, reality set in for him. "Your brother needs you too, man," Johnathan told him. Josh struggled to hold himself together. He squeezed the bridge of his nose, and then bit his finger in an effort to hold back the tears. He stared out into the darkness as they drove through the streets of Anchorage. He had to stay strong for his father, his brother… and for himself.

* * *

"Call me if you need me, man," Johnathan said as Josh tossed his bags into the Anchorage hotel room he would be sharing with Jake. Josh had just left his dad, who was still in an induced coma following his twelve hour surgery. He had told Phil that he would be with him when he woke up, but that wasn't going to happen in the next few hours. There was nothing more he could do for him tonight.

"Yeah, thanks," Josh said as he reached his hand out to John, who grasped it and pulled him into a hug. Josh closed the door after Johnathan left and glanced around the room. Glasses here, dishes there, the room was a mess. He cleared the extra bed of Jake's clothes by dumping them into a drawer, and plopped his slender frame onto the bedspread. He could use a good stiff drink, but he needed a clear head in case the hospital called.

Watching his father comatose and helpless had nearly broken him. Josh threw a forearm over his eyes as visions of Phil sporting a center part of stitches on his shaved head floated through his mind. Hearing about the removal of part of his father's skull was one thing… Seeing it was another…

His brain wanted more sleep, but Josh couldn't lie there any longer. Todd had asked him and Jake to be filmed talking about their dad, and they were waiting for him in the lobby. He threw his legs over the side of the bed and rose. Despite sleeping on the plane, he was still exhausted. He had done his best to take care of the Cornelia Marie – having her moved from the Trident dock so other ships could off load, and finding a relief skipper – but he hadn't found a half-share to help. Leaving the crew short-handed by two still gnawed at him, but Freddie's advice to take a trip off had been heartfelt and correct. Josh needed to be with his dad as much as his dad needed him there.

Josh took the elevator down to the lobby and found the production crew waiting. He just wanted to get this over with and followed Todd outside. Jake was the last one out the door, and Josh told him, "Let's sit down on this bench and let's do this." Josh took a good look at his brother. He looked bad – pale skin, dark circles, glazed eyes. Josh hoped that it was due to exhaustion and nothing else.

"My whole life has changed like right now, you know?" Jake told him.

Josh looked away, but didn't reply. Didn't Jake realize that life had changed for _both_ of them?

"I'm happy you came, though," Jake said as he leaned towards his brother and laid his head on his shoulder. Josh put his arm around him. Now that he was here, Josh prayed that Jake could get himself together so they could help their dad – and each other – through this nightmare.

_to be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

_I'm going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing. _

_And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain..._

'_Deadliest Catch' star Phil Harris, captain of Cornelia Marie, suffers stroke while unloading boat.' _Christina read the headline three times. "Oh my God," she whispered. "Josh must be devastated." She reached for her cell phone and flipped it open. Her finger stopped in mid stroke. Would he even want her to call?

They had remained 'just friends,' but each time she saw him hurt a little bit more, not less. He had others to comfort him. She decided not to contact him. Besides – he'd call her if and when he needed her – and she would be there.

* * *

Josh finished his cigarette, clicked off the television, and checked his watch – one am. Jake was still out; Josh wished he could have been with him, but one of them had to be responsible. He grabbed his cell phone from the bedside table to speed dial his brother; his finger stopped before it hit the number two. Jake would be pissed at him for playing 'mom' again. Instead, Josh scrolled through his list of contacts: A's, B's, C's, D's, E's… and stopped. Christina Edberg – he stared at the name. He held his finger over the send button, but never pushed it.

They had broken their engagement almost three years ago when he had decided to work on the Cornelia Marie. It had hurt him to the core to do it, but he knew it wasn't fair to carry on a relationship with her if he couldn't be there. He had been honest. He had told her that he needed to prove to his father that he could do the job, but more than that, he had wanted his father to see the man he had become. That didn't mean he loved her any less.

Josh looked towards the door as the knob turned and Jake stumbled into the room. "Where the fuck have you been?" Josh asked him.

"Don't give me any shit, Josh," Jake replied. "I needed a break. I spent every minute with Dad before you came here."

"You think I _wanted_ to stay behind?" Josh asked his voice rising. He sat up and added, "That wasn't easy for me, Jake!"

"Do you think being here was easy for _me_?" Jake shouted.

Always wanting to get in the last word, Josh opened his mouth to retort, but then shut it. He could sense Jake's pain because he felt it, too. Instead, he quietly replied, "No, I know it wasn't." Josh put his cell phone back on the table and lay back onto his pillow. "Seeing him lying there… was the worst thing…" He sighed. "Let's get some sleep. We have to be at the hospital early tomorrow."

Jake flopped on the bed, glad Josh dropped the third degree, but dreading what they would have to face tomorrow. He wished he could sleep forever.

* * *

The news was grim. The type of stroke Phil suffered would have killed most people. The doctors expected him to need at least nine months of rehabilitation. Blood clots could be lurking in any of his constricted blood vessels ready to strike again. Still, Phil had been awake for two days, was talking, moving, and generally giving the staff a run for their money. He was defying the odds, and Josh allowed himself to feel some hope.

Jake, on the other hand, was totally lost. He chose to numb his brain to the fear that he could lose his dad. This was not coping. His addiction had taken charge months ago, but he did the best he could to stay sober enough to share time with his father. He and Josh took turns spending time alone with Phil, and it was those times that were the most painful. Tonight Jake decided he needed some time for himself and left before his brother arrived.

Since Josh was running late to relieve Jake, he called his brother as he drove. When Jake answered his cell, Josh could tell that he was somewhere other than his father's hospital room.

"Eh, where ya' at?" Josh asked.

"I'm tryin'… I'm trying to figure something out," Jake told him.

Josh knew exactly what Jake was doing, and it hurt him to see his brother unable to cope. "Jake! Dad's dyin' in the hospital and you're sittin' there gettin' high," he told him as his voice broke.

"I don't know why you're being difficult right now."

"I just fuckin' told you why!"

"If you were acting like a real brother, you'd be helpin' me with this stuff, not screaming at me!"

If Jake had been standing there, he would have decked him. He realized that, for Jake, it was all about himself when it should have been about their father. "I don't have time for this shit! Do it your fucking self!" Josh screamed into the phone and hung up.

"Fuck!" Josh exclaimed. He was a hair away from his breaking point. He pulled into the hospital parking lot and grabbed his cell phone to call Jake again, but his finger went to Christina's number instead. He didn't stop to think about what he was doing when he pressed the send button. He was losing it fast.

Fourteen hundred miles to the southeast in Seattle, Christina picked up her cell and checked the number. She took a deep breath and then answered, "Hello, Josh."

"Hey," he replied. Now that he had her, he wasn't sure what to say.

"I heard your dad had a stroke. Is he going to be all right?" Christina asked.

The awkwardness dissipated. That quickly, they slipped back into their old relationship. It was as if their break had never happened.

"Well, it's going to be a long rehabilitation for him, but he's making progress," Josh replied.

"I'm glad to hear that. Since you called, I thought that maybe…"

"Well, things could change at any time, but he's doing good... really... doing good."

"I've always loved your dad, Josh. I thought of calling you, but I wasn't sure you-"

"I love hearing from you, Chris."

She sighed. "It's hard for me, Josh."

"Yeah, I know… for me, too."

She wasn't sure she believed him. He seemed to bounce back too easily. "So… how are you and Jake holding up?" she asked.

He hadn't called to burden her with his family problems, so all he said was, "I'm gonna strangle Jake, Christina. I am literally going to kill him."

She laughed. "I see nothing has changed between the two of you."

He smiled. Her laughter could bring him to the brink of euphoria – without alcohol. "No, I guess not. Well, um, I gotta go see my dad."

"Give him my love?"

"Sure. And, um, thanks, Chris."

"For what?"

"For laughing. That was exactly what I needed."

"And here I thought you were going to thank me for always being there for you."

"Well, that, too…"

She was tempted to tell him about the East Coast job, but now was not the time. He had enough on his mind. "Call me anytime you need a laugh, Josh."

He chuckled. "Yeah, thanks. Love ya'."

Christina wiped a tear from her eye as she hung up. If he had asked her to come to Anchorage, she would have been on the next plane north, but he hadn't. He was coping without her – and that hurt.

Josh shoved his phone back into his pocket. Neither he nor Christina had moved onto another serious relationship since they had split. Part of him was glad that she hadn't because in his heart she was still his, but then again, he wanted her to be happy, and he knew she wasn't. She deserved someone who could be there for her, and he was not in a position to be that person right now.

He shook his head and opened the car door. If he thought about her any longer, he'd get that ache in his heart – and other parts of his body as well. He pulled the handle of the truck and was out the door. It wasn't going to be about him, or Jake, or Christina for the next few weeks. Maybe it was harsh to think that way – fuck, it _hurt_ to think that way – but it was what he had to do to survive.

_tbc_


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

_I'm going home, back to the place where I belong._

_And where your love has always been enough for me…_

Josh buried his face in his hands. He pulled his cell phone out and called his brother. "Jake… I don't know how to tell you this," Josh said into the phone, his voice quivering, "but… um… fuck… we lost Dad, dude."

Questions were being thrown at him left and right, but he shut his ears to all of them. He called his grandfather. He called his sister. He called the boat. The strength to keep going grew with every phone call. Arrangements had to be made, and he had to be the one to do it.

Hours later, alone on his bed in the hotel room, he tried to force the tears to flow, but he was too numb to cry. He fingered his phone and pressed Christina's number. "Hey," he said after she answered.

Christina's stomach jumped to her throat at the sound of his voice. The emptiness scared her. She knew what he was going to say before he said it. "He's gone, Chris. My dad's gone," he repeated as his voice broke.

"Oh, Josh… I am so sorry," she whispered to him. There was nothing else she could say. He and his dad were as close as any father and son could have been. She so wanted to hold him in her arms. "I'll come to Anchorage," Christina told him.

"No. I'm coming home tomorrow," Josh responded.

"Then I'll meet you at the airport."

"Jake's coming to meet me, but if you could come with him…"

"I'll be there. I love you, Josh."

He wanted to respond in kind, but his voice stuck in his throat. He swallowed and simply said, "Thanks," and hung up. Josh carefully placed the phone on his bedside table and rolled over onto his side. He buried his head in his pillow and hugged it to his body. He wished he were home… but he wasn't sure where home was anymore.

* * *

The camera crew was gone. The Cornelia Maria was stuck in dry dock waiting for repairs. Josh traveled from Anchorage to Seattle on a cargo plane as he brought his dad home. He could have taken a commercial flight and met his dad's plane at the airport, but he couldn't bare the thought of his dad traveling alone.

Memories of the many times he had talked to his dad about his health surfaced as he flew over the Pacific Ocean. His father had always assured him that he'd be fine. _"You know what fine is… fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional," _Josh had had tried over and over to convince his dad to take better care of himself. _"I want to see you around for awhile,"_ he had said to two years ago, he had told Todd that it would take something drastic for his dad to change his lifestyle. Something drastic had happened – his pulmonary embolism – but even that didn't have lasting impact. _"Someone might be carrying you in a fucking casket to the doctor," _Josh had told his now here he was – carrying his dad in a fucking casket home.

Filled with an uneasy silence, the Honda sped down the highway. Jake gave bare minimal responses to Christina's questions, but that was Jake. He was usually quiet. It was his glazed eyes that gave him away. She knew he had be using, and she hoped Josh would be too overwhelmed too notice.

Although it had been months since she and Josh had seen each other, she was not anxious about seeing him again. Once they were together, she expected it would be as if they had never been apart. It was like coming home. That was what made their separations so much more painful.

They exited the highway. She had never been to the cargo area of an airport before, and she was glad they were following the hearse from the funeral home because she would not have been able to find it on her own. Then she bit her lip. She never thought she would be 'glad' to be following a hearse. The two vehicles pulled up to what looked like a loading dock. Christina turned to Jake. The look on his face was one of utter fear and helplessness. She placed a hand on his arm. "Jake, are you going to be all right?" she asked him.

He shook his head. "I can't believe my dad's in a fucking box, Christina." He pulled a bottle out of his pocket and flipped the top open.

"Please don't take any more," she begged.

"What does it matter? Josh is going to let me have it anyway."

"No. I won't let him… I might not stop him next time, but I won't let him fight with you tonight."

Jake fought his demons. He closed the bottle and put it back into his pocket. He was supposed to have been in rehab today. Instead, he was picking up his father's body from a loading dock.

"Thank you, Jake," Christina told him. They left the car and stood by the men from the funeral home, and then waited by the cargo bay. Christina stood on alert, ready to play intermediary between the brothers. The cargo bay door rose like the curtain on a stage. Her heart leapt into her throat as Josh was revealed to her. He stood like a gunfighter in a shootout. His right hand lay on a wooden box; his left was held loosely at his side as if he was ready to draw. Christina cringed when she saw his face. It was hard as stone.

As the bay doors opened, Josh's eyes first went to his brother. He realized that Jake looked like he, himself, felt – devastated. Even in the dimness of the docking bay, he could tell that Jake was high. He almost lost it at that moment and wanted to jump down and beat some sense into his brother. He had been strong, but he was at the bottom of his well. He looked past Jake and locked eyes with Christina. That was all Josh needed to rebuild his strength.

Christina allowed the boys their moment of grief as Jake stepped forward. She watched as Josh helped the loading dock men move the wooden casket onto the edge of the platform and then jump down. He took a corner of the casket and motioned for Jake to do the same. The two men from the funeral home approached and took the other end of the box, and the four of them lowered the casket to the ground. They readjusted and slid it into the hearse. Jake couldn't let the casket go. Josh placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. Jake stepped back… and crumbled. Josh took him in his arms as Jake sobbed. Josh motioned for the hearse to depart as he comforted him. He felt he should have reprimanded him for using, but couldn't do that to him… not tonight.

Jake finally stepped back and wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry, dude," he whispered to his brother.

Josh sighed. "Jake…" He shook his head. "I know you tried… Just… just promise me…" Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Christina shake her head. Josh's body tightened like and an over-wound guitar string. He narrowed his eyes and asked her, "Why?"

"Because he's in no shape to make any promises right now," she replied. She wanted so much to reach out to Josh, to nurture him, but she knew that he had to make the first move, so she remained still. Josh stared at her, and then extended his hand for the keys and said, "I'll drive."

"No," she told him. "You get in the back with Jake. I'll chauffer." She didn't give him a chance to argue and slid in behind the wheel.

Josh thrust his hands in his pocket and followed her orders. As they drove out of the airport, Jake asked, "Were you with him?"

Josh shook his head. "No." He looked out the window so Jake wouldn't see the hurt on his face. "He wanted me to get his gold necklace, and I was on my way back when they called me."

"His good luck necklace," Jake mumbled.

"Yeah. So… um…" He turned back to Jake. "I wasn't there," he said as his voice quivered.

Christina glanced in her rear view mirror. The boys sat separate and apart, each fighting to hide the tears. Her eyes started to blur and she bit her lip in an attempt to stem her own tears.

"You stayin' with me tonight?" Josh asked Jake as they crossed the Seattle city limits and headed towards Monroe.

"No," Jake replied.

"You can't be alone," Josh told him.

"I'll be okay."

"Jake, I already talked with Tammy," Christina interjected. "I'm dropping you off at her house."

Jake shrugged. "All right." He knew he'd use again if he were alone – and that he would need all the help he could get to resist.

When the car pulled into Jake's girlfriend's driveway, Tammy came out to meet them as both boys got out of the car. She approached Josh and offered him a hug. "I'm sorry, Josh," she whispered.

"Thanks," Josh replied. "Take good care of him," he added as he stepped away. Then he turned to his brother. "I'll call you tomorrow. We need to talk about the funeral arrangements with Andrea and Grandpa."

Jake nodded as Tammy took him by the arm and led him into the house. Josh watched until the door closed behind them, and then he slid into the passenger's seat beside Christina. He stared out the window.

"Home?" she asked him.

"Yeah." They drove the few miles in silence and when they pulled into the driveway. Josh got out and grabbed his duffle bag from the back. "Coming in?" he asked her.

"Do you want me to?" she responded.

"I want you to."

Once inside the door, Josh dropped his bag, the 'thud' echoing throughout the empty house. This was his house, but it wasn't home. Home was where his dad was. He might never be home again.

Christina reached out to him. He took her in his arms and closed his eyes as he leaned his head against hers. There was a time when being with her was enough for him to feel centered and at peace, but that was before he had joined his father's business. Still, he needed to let the world go. He took her hand and led her up the stairs…

* * *

Hours later, he lay in bed watching Christina sleep. He thought back to the last time they had shared a bed. They had been living together when his father had called to offer him a job on the Cornelia Marie. He had resisted working under his father's shadow in the past, but Jake had earned his father's respect as a greenhorn, and Josh had craved that same approval. So, he had accepted his father's offer.

Christina had fought him long and hard that night. He had tried to explain himself… told her how the times with his father had been intense, but joyful, and too few and far between… said he needed his father to see the man he had become. All Christina knew was that he was going to be away for months at a time. A long distance relationship was not what she wanted – especially since she didn't know if he would be coming back.

She stirred in her sleep and Josh stroked her cheek. Christina had seen him through some tough times. He didn't know what he would have done without her when he had wrecked his shoulder, but his life had changed the day he stepped onto the Cornelia Marie as a greenhorn. _"There's somethin' about being up here… and riskin' your life…"_ he had told the cameraman at the time. When he was on the boat with his father and his brother, he was home. With his father gone, would the ship ever feel like home again?

_tbc_


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

_I'm not running from, no, I think you got me all wrong._

_I don't regret this life I chose for me…_

Even their mother complimented the boys on the funeral arrangements… a celebration at Phil's favorite party destination… his ashes placed in two Harley gas tanks… his boys' images buried forever with his. They'd go to the casino Saturday night for a party to honor Phil's "work hard, play harder" philosophy of life, and the private burial would be on Sunday.

The night before the celebration, Thom Beers invited Josh and Jake to dinner to discuss what – if anything – would be filmed over the weekend. Josh and Christina went directly to the meeting after checking that the arrangements were in place at the casino. Jake was supposed to meet them there. Checking his watch, Josh glanced at Christina as she sipped at her chardonnay. "He'll be here," she told him.

Josh wasn't so sure. He and Jake had argued that morning. Josh had wanted him to come to the casino with him. Jake had declined, and Josh worried about what Jake might have done that afternoon. His cell phone rang. Josh didn't recognize the number. "Hello?"

"Josh? I, uh, I need you to come bail me out," Jake told him.

"What the fuck?"

"Just shut up and come get me."

"Jake…" Josh didn't have to threaten Jake with words – his tone said it all. Christina placed a hand on Josh's arm to calm him. He jerked it away. "Just tell me how much and where," he barked at his brother. Josh listened to the details and then said, "You're gonna have to dry out in the fuckin' cell until Thom and I are done our meeting. I should let you stay there all night."

"Josh…"

"Sober up. I'll be there." He tossed his phone on the table and rubbed his face. "Fuck!" he exclaimed. "Jake was picked up on a DUI."

"Shit!" Thom responded. "It's going to be all over the internet – if it isn't already." Thom shook his head – bad publicity – but then again… "Do you want me to put a statement out for you?" he asked.

Josh's response was immediate. "No. He drank. He drove. He deserves the consequences."

"Josh, he's just not handling things well," Christina interjected. "Give him a break."

"A break?" Josh repeated. "This has nothing to do with my dad, Christina. Jake's been having problems for over a year now. He needs to get to rehab, and if he doesn't go on his own next week, I swear I'll drag him myself."

Christina's eyes, begging for help, sought out Thom's. In all the years she and Josh had been together, she had never seen him as tightly wound as he was. She had been with him every night expecting him to break down, but he held it together – too well. He had been moving at full speed, but she suspected that was his way of running away from his feelings. Once he stopped, it would hit him.

"Let us help you out with Jake," Thom offered.

Josh shook his head. "It's a family thing."

"Josh, you and Jake are as much a part of my family as my own kids. You've got more than enough on your plate. The boat is falling apart and there's still a lot of quota to catch… On top of all that, you're burying your father this weekend. Maybe you need to give _yourself_ a break," Thom suggested.

Josh didn't reply. Christina was almost afraid to touch him, afraid that he'd snap again. She didn't want to be the one to receive the brunt of his wrath, but she needed to calm him before he went to get Jake, or one of them might end up in the hospital. She tried again to reason with him.

"Josh, Thom's right," she said. "You need to stop running."

"Running?" Josh repeated, angry at her implication. "I'm doing what needs to be done, Christina."

"But you don't have to do it all yourself. You have people who want to help!"

"He's my brother and my responsibility."

"He's his own responsibility!"

Johnathan had told him the same thing, but Josh couldn't switch out of 'parenting' mode. His father was gone, and he needed to step up – and that included dealing with Jake. "I can take care of my family myself. Everybody else might think I don't have to, butI do. It's my job now that Dad is gone." he said through gritted teeth.

Christina cringed at the cold tone of his voice. This was not the man she had fallen in love with… this man scared her.

* * *

Josh had planned on picking up Jake's car and having Christina drive it back, but the pound was closed until Monday. She almost wished it had been open because she wasn't sure she wanted to be there when the boys encountered each other. It wasn't going to be pretty.

After Josh paid the bail, Jake was brought out to him. Josh crossed his arms and asked, "Proud of yourself?"

"Fuck you!" Jake replied and pushed past his brother. Josh grabbed him by the arm and spun him around to face him. "Go ahead, Josh. Beat the shit out of me!" Jake shouted at him. He wanted to be punished. Josh couldn't do anything to him than he didn't want to do to himself.

Josh's hands curled into fists. Christina stepped between the two men and crossed her arms. "Not on my watch," she told them. She stared Josh down.

Josh stared just as hard, and then uncurled his fists. "Let's go," he said. He shoved his anger back down. He'd hold it in for another day.

* * *

The sky over the cemetery was brilliantly beautiful. The sun shone down upon Phil, his family and friends – unusual for February in Seattle, but today was no usual day. Christina sat behind Josh and kept her eyes on the boys. She was surprised that Jake seemed to be the stronger one as he comforted others. Josh sat hunched over in his folding chair, no longer able to mask the pain he was feeling from the loss of his father.

Jake leaned forward and asked Josh, "Ready?" Josh nodded and the boys stood. Josh reached for the tank that held the likeness of Phil, Jake and himself, and turned it so Jake could grasp the other end. Together, they lowered it into the rectangular hole in the ground, and then they stood. Josh thanked the cleric. It was over.

Josh removed his sunglasses and touched Jake's shoulder as he stepped over his father's grave. His eyesight blurred as he walked past Matt Renner. He had no idea where he was going. He just kept walking until he found himself beside his father's car. He had blown off riding in the limo and had driven his dad's red Corvette to the cemetery himself. He was millimeters close to getting in and driving down highway five until there was no more road to follow. Instead, he leaned against the driver's side door and hugged himself. He looked up at the sky, a primal scream of anger welling up inside him. "Fuck!" he shouted.

Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes, just as they had when his dad had apologized for not being a good enough father. It had killed Josh to hear him say those words. _"You taught me everything I need to know to be a man,"_ he had told his dad, and it was true, but he wasn't feeling like much of a man at this very minute with tears streaming down his face.

"It's all right to cry," a soft voice said behind him.

Josh wiped his eyes and turned around. Christina stood on the other side of the car. "My father wouldn't have said that," Josh told her.

"Your father wasn't always right."

"Don't you think I know that!" he exclaimed.

Christina walked around the car and grabbed his arm. "Josh! You're hurting so much… let me help you."

He looked down at her, eyes hard as steel. "Can you bring him back?" he asked.

She didn't answer. She let go of his arm and stepped away. She didn't know what to do for him anymore. She wiped a tear from her eye and looked towards the rest of Phil's friends and family as they approached the parked cars.

Josh squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his teeth. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I just…" He reached out and drew her to him. "I didn't mean to hurt you" he whispered into her ear. "I'll get it together."

_tbc_


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

_But these places and these faces are getting old…_

The funeral had been over for a week, and Josh hadn't had a moment of peace. Before the last shovel of dirt was thrown on Phil's grave, the problems started. The Cornelia Marie had died along with its captain on February ninth, two thousand and ten. Both main motors, both generators and both reduction gears had failed – a catastrophic failure. The boat would need a major overhaul. There was no way around it. The only question was should it be patched together enough to finish up the season or put in dry dock immediately?

Christina paced as she waited for Josh to finish his phone conversation with Cornelia Marie Devlin. She had been waiting for almost forty minutes and was hoping to get out to dinner before midnight, but by the look on Josh's face, dinner might have to wait.

"I understand, Cornelia. I know… I know it was a hard decision for you to make, but could you just… I don't know… just give it a little more time? I mean, once the shock of Dad being gone wears off, you might change your mind." Josh was saying.

Christina tried to get his attention, hoping to get him to move on, but he ignored her. Christina rolled her eyes. They boys had inherited their father's share of the boat. She knew that Cornelia was a major owner, but surely the boys had a say in what would happen to the Cornelia Marie.

Finally, he hung up. He looked at Christina and simply said, "Fuck." He shook his head. "I need to call Jake."

"Josh, can't it wait? I'm starving!" Christina told him.

Josh checked his watch. It was later than he realized. He sighed. "No. I'm going to try him now."

"Fine!" she exclaimed. "You can stay on the phone all night. I'm going out to eat." She grabbed her purse and stormed out of the house.

"Christina!" he shouted, but didn't bother going after her. He shook his head and stared at his phone, and then dialed his brother. "Jake?"

"Hey, dude."

"Jake, we've got a problem. Cornelia wants to sell her share of the boat."

"What the fuck!"

"Yeah, tell me about it. She wants out of the business."

"Why?"

"She's afraid of losing somebody else."

Jake didn't know what to say because he was, too. Finally, he said, "So let her sell it."

"Jake, it's not that simple. We're not even sure we have our share free and clear, what with the relatives coming out of the woodwork and all. A new majority owner could really screw things up for us."

"Fuck it, dude. I don't know what to do."

"I think we should try to buy the rest of the boat from her."

"Are you crazy? Where are we gonna get the money?"

"I don't know, but we can figure it out."

"Forget it, Josh."

"Jake, I need your help on this!"

"This is beyond me, dude. You're the one who wants to be a hotshot. You do what you want."

Josh felt his blood pressure rise. "Jake, it's not about what I want! It's about what Dad would have wanted!"

"If we lose the boat, we lose the boat. Look, I gotta go. I'm, uh, meeting up with somebody."

"Jake!"

"Later, bro."

Josh squeezed the phone in his hand and then threw it across the room. It broke into three pieces. "Fuck!" he shouted. He drew his knees up to his chest and rubbed his face with his hands. Then he got up and retrieved his phone, hoping he could put it back together. He didn't know why he had expected anything more out of his brother. Right now all Jake cared about was getting high. He put the battery cover back on the phone, and it rang in his hands.

"Yeah?"

"It's Russ. I'm afraid we've got some problems with the coffee company. Got a minute to talk?"

Josh rolled his eyes. What else could go wrong? He plopped back onto the sofa and sighed. "Go ahead…"

* * *

As Christina finished her plate at the restaurant, alone, she debated about bringing food home for Josh. "It would serve him right to go hungry,"she told herself, but guilt wouldn't let her do that. She ordered a cheeseburger platter for him and waited for it to be brought to her table. As far as she was concerned, Josh had not 'gotten it together' as he had told her he would.

The will had been read and it was clear that Phil had bequeathed his share of the boat to the boys, but she was amazed at how many people were threatening to contest the will. She wished Cornelia Maria Devlin would sell the boat to someone who wanted to buy the entire ship. Then Josh would be free of his father's burden, for that was how she saw the boat – an anchor around Josh's neck, and it threatened to pull her down with him.

When she returned and entered Josh's house, she found him asleep on the sofa. He looked like a little boy, his face innocent and sweet. He seemed so peaceful; she could watch him sleep for hours. As difficult as it had been to stay by his side the last few weeks, she couldn't leave him. It had been worth every moment. She placed the food on the coffee table and knelt down beside him. As she brushed his forehead with her fingers, she said, "Wake up, Joshua. I have food for you."

"Wha?" His eyes blinked open Christina's face was inches from his own. Half awake, his hand slipped under her hair, and he pulled her close. He was hungry, but not for food. It had been a trying day and his soul needed to be nurtured…

* * *

The booze slid down his throat like silk. Jake tucked the money into the pocket of the dude sitting beside him, and a vial of pills was tucked into his own pocket in return. Neither man acknowledged that anything had taken place between them. A curvaceous blond sat at the end of the bar, staring at him. Jake stared back. He was unattached tonight. No harm in looking for some companionship, so he picked up his drink and strode up to the woman.

"Don't I know you?" the blond asked him.

"Maybe. Watch TV?" Jake asked her.

"Some. So are you, like, in commercials or something?"

Jake shook his head and laughed. "Not yet, anyways," he said. "Deadliest Catch? The Cornelia Marie?"

The woman's eyes opened wide. "You're the one who works with your father. I love him! If you're him, though, what are you doing in a bar? Shouldn't you be out fishing with your father and brother?"

A shadow crossed Jake's face. "I, um, I guess you haven't heard. My father died last week."

"Oh my God! Oh, I'm so sorry. That's awful."

"It's been rough."

She placed a hand around his neck. "Need to forget it for awhile? I have something that might help."

Jake's face brightened. "Sure."

She slid off the stool and said, "Come with me."

Hours later, Jake awoke alone and high in a strange motel room. He had no idea how he had gotten there, how long he had been there, or even where 'there' was. He pulled out his phone. Josh was going to kill him, and he wouldn't blame him if he did.

* * *

Todd Stanley walked into Thom Beers' office to view the first cut of the king crab season shows, but that wasn't the main reason he had come. He was concerned about what was to come after. He had told no one about the confrontation Jake had had with Phil before the stroke. Todd hadn't been there himself, as the scene had been captured by the stationary camera in the wheelhouse. Once he had viewed it, though, he had talked to Phil. Both agreed; it needed to be shown.

"So, did you see it?" Todd asked Thom.

"Jake's confession?"

Todd nodded.

"Powerful stuff, man," Thom told him.

"The problem is we don't have an ending to that part of the story."

Thom nodded. "Yeah, I know. Being picked up on that DUI pretty much did him in. I'm going to give Josh a call. He'll get Jake into rehab."

"Don't. He doesn't know about Jake stealing the pills."

"Didn't Phil tell him?"

Todd shook his head. "No. He was worried that Josh would beat the crap out of Jake if he found out."

"He's going to find out, Todd. It's going to be on the show whether he gets Jake into rehab or not."

"Then let me call him. I don't want Josh to know about Jake stealing the pills until _after_ Jake's in rehab."

Thom nodded and handed Todd his phone.

His cell phone's high pitched ring pierced the air and Josh groaned in frustration. He and Christina hadn't gotten much further than partially disrobing. "Let it ring," Christina told him breathlessly. Josh tried, but its insistent sound interrupted any thoughts of pleasure.

"Fuck! It might be Jake," he said and reached for his phone. Not Jake – Todd – and he answered. "Yeah?"

"Josh, I've got to talk to you about Jake."

"Can't it wait until tomorrow?"

"No. What are your plans for getting Jake into rehab?"

"Plans? I don't have any plans, other than to knock him out and toss him in the trunk of my car." His phone beeped. "Hold on, I'm getting another call." He glanced at the number and answered, "Jake?"

"I, um, I need a ride, dude," Jake told him.

"Where the fuck are you?" Josh asked him.

"Some motel."

"How'd you get there?"

"I, um, I don't know."

"Jake…" Josh sighed again in frustration. "Just tell me where you are."

"Hold on," Jake said and he opened his door to look outside. "Freeride Inn. Room B109 upstairs."

Josh hung up with Jake and toggled Todd. "Jake's at a fleabag motel. Doesn't know how he got there. I can't take this anymore Todd. I can't!"

"Look, Josh, I know exactly how you're feeling. I've been there with my own family. I'm going to ask one of the assistants to do some research into rehab facilities for him. At least let us do that for you."

A few days ago, he would have rebuffed Todd's offer, but Josh was worn. He closed his eyes, shook his head, and then sighed. Finally, he answered. "Okay. I really don't have time to investigate those places."

"The best facilities are in California, but we have to find one with the shortest waiting list."

"Thanks, Todd. My dad would have…"

"I know. You don't have to say it." He hesitated and continued. "You know we're going to want to film him going there."

"Why should this be any different? We gave up our privacy the day we signed those damn contracts."

"You sound bitter."

"Maybe I am. Fuck, I don't know. I'm... think I'm just tired, Todd... tired of all this shit. Later…" Josh disconnected and let every bit of air leave his lungs in a sigh as he threw his head back against the couch. Now, he had to put on his clothes and get his brother. He clenched his fist and imaged it hitting Jake's jaw. Then he shook his head and stood. He wouldn't pummel Jake when he saw him. He was even too tired for that. "I'm bringing Jake back here so I can keep an eye on him," he told Christina. "Sorry about tonight."

Christina sat on the sofa, her legs pulled up to her chest. She shrugged. "Do what you have to do," she told him. After the door closed behind him, she thought about what her next step would be. Josh's birthday would be coming in a few weeks. She had to take him away from all this. Maybe it would help him get his head straight, and he would realize that the fishing industry wasn't for him. Then they could get on with the life they had planned when they were engaged. It would take some time, but things would work out for them. She would make sure of it.

_tbc_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_I said these faces and these places are getting old_

_So, I'm going home…_

March eighteenth was supposed to have been the start of a long, romantic weekend, but it almost crashed and burned on take off. "Vegas?" Josh asked, his voice somewhat uncertain. "This weekend?"

"It's your birthday, Josh," Christina replied.

"I know, but, uh, there's a lot going on, Chris."

"Josh, you need some time to yourself!"

"Russ and I are meeting with the coffee people tomorrow, and besides, it's Jake's last weekend before he goes off to rehab."

"Russ doesn't need you, and Jake will be fine."

He knew that, but it didn't change how he felt. "I have responsibilities, Christina."

Christina clenched the coffee cup in her hands, dumped what was left and slammed the mug into the sink. "What about your responsibility to me?" she asked. Without giving him time to reply, she stormed out of the kitchen and smacked into Jake, who, bleary eyed, was coming in for his morning coffee.

"What's up her ass?" Jake asked as he poured himself a mug.

"She wants to take me to Vegas for my birthday."

"Oh, yeah, happy birthday, bro," Jake said. "Vegas… shit. Probably not the best place for you to be."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"What are you gonna do?" Jake asked.

"You're my excuse," Josh replied.

"Uh, uh. I'm leaving tomorrow with Todd. He wants to get some filming in before I'm admitted."

The phone rang and Josh froze. His dad had always been the first one to call him on his birthday. On the third ring, he moved to lift the receiver and listened to a round of "Happy Birthday." He rolled his eyes. "Hi, Mom… Dinner? Um… Yeah, but… All right… Just you, me and Jake. See you later."

"Oh, no, Josh," Jake told him. "It's _your_ birthday, not mine."

"I can't spend dinner alone with her," Josh lamented. "You know we'll drive each other crazy. Besides, she wanted a night with 'just my two boys'," Josh said as he imitated her voice.

"I promised Tammy I'd spend my last night with her, so I gotta get out of there early."

"No problem. I need to make up with Christina tonight."

"So, you _are_ going to Vegas?"

Josh nodded. "I owe her, Jake. I don't know why, but she's always been there when I've needed her."

* * *

They had been in the city for almost three hours, and Josh had yet to crack an honest smile. They sat at a black jack table losing miserably. Christina signaled for the waitress. Josh needed a drink – many drinks.

The waitress smiled as she approached them. "Hey, I remember you," she said to Josh. "You were here right before Christmas with that cute old guy."

Josh nodded. "You remembered us."

"Well, you guys were the only 'duck farts' I ever served. Hard to forget that! Want one of those?"

"Hell, no," Josh said. "Can't stand them. Gimme a Red Bull and vodka. I need a pick me up."

"And for you?" she asked Christina.

"Cosmo," she replied.

"Be right back."

There was a middle aged woman sitting beside Josh who had overheard the conversation. "Duck farts!" she said. "Then you _are_ Josh Harris!"

"The one and only," Josh replied with a tight smile.

"Oh, I love your dad! He's the greatest!" Then she leaned closer to Josh and whispered, "Tell me. Is he single?"

Josh looked the woman straight in the eye and flatly said, "He's single all right… and dead." The woman's face turned red, as if she had been slapped silly. Josh stood. "Excuse me," he said and strode away from the table. He pulled out a cigarette and lit up. He left the building and kept walking down the strip until there were no more casinos in sight.

Going to Vegas had been a mistake. It was the destination of the last buddy trip he, Jake and his dad had taken between seasons. At the time they didn't know they would be celebrating Phil's last birthday, but it had been one of the best. Phil had been a chick magnet, and they had partied hard. Yeah, Jake had gotten out of control, but that was what the trip had been about. Josh and Phil had stayed just sober enough to be sure Jake didn't do anything stupid.

Every second he spent in the casino brought back memories of his dad. Each time he talked with people who didn't know he was gone ripped the hole in his heart a little bit more. He realized that even Christina couldn't fill that void. He was lost… as lost as Jake… but at least rehab would help Jake find his way back. Josh had no idea how to lose the anger that was swelling as high as the Bering Sea at its worst inside him. He felt like he was drowning, and he had no idea what to do about it.

* * *

Christina watched his back as he retreated from the black jack table. She wasn't tempted to go after him. The waitress returned with their drinks. Christina took her cosmo and gave Josh's drink to the poor woman who had been left with her mouth open when Josh, unceremoniously, had given her the sad news about his father. "I apologize for his behavior. He's still grieving," Christina told the woman.

"I had no idea…" the woman told her. "If I had known…"

"It's all right. I hope you enjoy his drink. Excuse me." Christina gulped her drink and left the casino. She returned to their room and stared at the bright light of the strip outside the window. She had hoped that the trip would lighten Josh's load, but all it had accomplished was to remind him of what he had lost.

* * *

Josh stood in front of the Silverton Casino Lodge and watched the airplanes line up for their landings at the airport… one after the other… plane after plane… as relentless as a crab season… pot after pot… His mood darkened even more.

The Cornelia Marie had finally been repaired and had gone out to sea again – without him. As executor, he had to settle his dad's estate. It had been draining. Strangers claiming to be long lost relatives, employees attempting to take over his dad's businesses, producers assuming his family fishing heritage was done… they had all underestimated him, but was he overestimating himself?

Here he was in the middle of the desert, thousands of miles away from the Bering Sea, and he could not get his father and his legacy out of his mind. He closed his eyes and imagined that the sounds of the freeway were the howling wind and rolling waves off the Alaskan coast. He could almost smell the salt water spray, and came close to losing his balance as he swayed with the pitching of the boat.

"Excuse me, are you all right?" a female voice asked. Josh opened his eyes. A flock of twenty-something year old beautiful women were staring at him. "You, um, you look like you were about to get sick or something," a pretty brunette told him.

Josh noted the concerned brown eyes of the woman, and he blushed in embarrassment. "I'm, uh, I'm fine," he told her.

The brunette stared into his eyes. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he nodded. He wiped his eyes. He hadn't even realized that he had been crying. "I'm not drunk, if that's what you think."

A buxom blond asked, "Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Josh Harris from Deadliest Catch?"

Josh pointed to his head. "It's the ears," he replied.

The brown eyed brunette spoke up again. "You _are_ him, aren't you?" Josh nodded. She reached out a hand and placed it on his forearm, saying, "I read about your father on the internet. I'm really sorry." The rest of the girls murmured their condolences. "He was a sweetheart," the brunette added.

Josh surprised himself with a smile and replied, "That he was."

"Can we get a picture with you?" a redhead asked.

Josh's smile vanished, but before he had a chance to reply, the brunette answered for him. "No, Vanessa, we're not groupies," she announced.

Josh shrugged. "It's, um, it's okay. I get that all the time."

"Maybe you do, but you're not going to get it tonight." The brunette added as she glared at the redhead. "We were on our way home."

The redhead glared right back and was about to comment when Josh said, "I'll tell you what… I'll make it up to you. I'm staying at the Stratosphere. Stop by there tomorrow at around eleven and you can take all the pictures you want," Josh told them.

"You don't have to do that," the brunette said.

"Speak for yourself," the redhead told her. She turned to Josh and said, "I'll take you up on that."

"Good," Josh told them as he looked at the brunette.

"Is your brother or some of the other guys with you?" a blond asked.

"Um, no, I'm here with a, um, a friend," he replied.

The brunette immediately understood, but the blond asked, "Female?" Josh nodded. The blond's face fell, but she asked, "She won't mind us coming by for pictures?"

Josh was pretty sure that she would mind, but he said, "No. It'll be fine. Happens all the time. Well, uh, I've gotta get back there. Nice meeting you all." He turned and started walking north.

The flock stared at his back. He was walking… and walking… The brunette ran after him. "Wait!" He stopped and turned. "You're not walking, are you?"

"I guess I could grab a cab or something, but it's not far."

"It's at least five miles!" She sensed that drunk or not, he had to be going through some sort of turmoil and wasn't thinking straight. "I'll drive you. I've gotta go right by there anyway."

"You don't need to do that. Besides, you don't really know me. I mean, I could be a rapist or something."

"_Are_ you a rapist?"

"No."

"Then I'll be fine. If it will make you feel any better, I'll ask Vanessa and Samantha to watch my back. I'm taking them home, too."

He shrugged. "Okay. Thanks. By the way, can I ask your name?"

"Jessica. Jessica Daniels. You can call me Jessie."

"Okay, Jessie, call me Josh."

* * *

Christina turned away from the window. It was late. She dug her phone out of her purse and checked the time. It was almost midnight. She was tempted to call him, but couldn't quite swallow her pride to do it. He had walked away from her – again. How many times had he done that in the past? Too many to count.

She undressed and headed for the shower. Christina let the water cascade down her body. She had hoped to be sharing this moment with Josh. She closed her eyes and imagined what it would have been like had he been there with her. Once she stepped out, however, she found she was still angry. He _wasn't _there with her.

She sauntered over to the bed and lay down, staring into the darkness. She wasn't sure how much longer she could deal with his dark moods. There was a time when an inner light shined through his eyes, but it was gone. She worried the light might never return.

In her mind, the only way for Josh to thrive would be to leave his father's world behind. Phil was right. Josh was not a fisherman. Somehow, she needed to make him see that he was trying to fit into a world where he did not belong. Let Jake take over the business. Josh was better than a fisherman. She resolved to tell him about the East Coast job when he came back, and to convince him to relocate with her.

* * *

As Jessie drove north, she wondered what had made her pick up a virtual stranger. Vanessa and Samantha were in the back seat and Josh was riding shot gun. "So what are you doing in Vegas?" she asked him. "Are you done fishing?"

"Celebrating my birthday. You?"

"I live here. Tell me if I'm out of line, but you, um, didn't seem to be celebrating back there."

He shook his head and looked out the side window. "Fuck, I buried my dad a month ago. It's been hell."

Vanessa spoke up from the back seat. "So what's going to happen with the show? Are you and your brother still going to be on it?"

"Please excuse my friend. She doesn't think before she speaks," Jessie told him.

Josh laughed. "That's pretty typical in my family." He turned to answer her. "Actually, I have no idea if we'll be on next year. I'm just trying to keep the boat afloat right now. It pulled out a few days ago to finish the opilio season."

"Why didn't you go?" Samantha asked.

"I have to clear up problems with my dad's estate," Josh answered.

"Did your brother go?"

Josh hesitated. "Um… no…"

Jessie sensed his anxiety rise a few centimeters. "This isn't Cash Cab girls. Enough with questions about the show," she told them.

Josh was grateful. He watched her drive. Jessica was pretty – not beautiful like Christina – but she had an inner glow of quiet confidence. He had always been a sucker for blonds, probably because his mother was a brunette, but this brunette intrigued him. "So, uh, was this a girls' night out?" he asked.

"Sort of. Vanessa back there just got engaged."

"Ah, a _real_ celebration."

"As opposed to yours?"

"Well…" He thought about his answer before adding. "Don't get me wrong. I love Vegas. I just don't want to be here right now."

"Where do you want to be?"

Josh replied without thinking. "On the boat."

Jessica stopped the car at a red light and turned to him. "Then that's where you should be."

That simple statement cleared the fog in his brain. She was right. He needed to go back to the roots he had shared with his dad – the roots that had grown deeper over the last three years on the Cornelia Marie.

"We're here," Jessica said as she pulled into the Stratosphere's drop-off area.

Josh turned to her. "Thank you… for everything," he said. He opened the car door and asked, "So, will I see you lovely ladies tomorrow?"

Vanessa and Samantha simultaneously said, "Yes!" Josh raised his eyebrows at Jessica when she didn't reply.

"Josh, you said you were here with your girlfriend." she admonished him.

Josh couldn't hide his guilt. "Yeah, but I'd still like you to come. A few pictures is the least I can do to repay you."

She waved him away. "No charge."

"You're not coming, are you?"

"You're here with your girlfriend for a reason, Josh. A bunch of women coming for pictures might not be a good thing… for her."

"Can I at least ask you for your phone number?"

"You can ask – but I'm not giving it to you."

"Attached?"

"No, but I don't like getting in the middle of a mess."

He smirked. He guessed it served him right. "Okay, Jessica Daniels from Las Vegas. I'm Josh Harris from Monroe, Washington. I hope to see you again someday."

She blushed, admitting to herself that she wished the same thing.

_tbc_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_The miles are getting longer, it seems, the closer I get to you._

_I've not always been the best man or friend for you, but you're love remains true._

_And I don't know why you always seem to give me another try…_

Josh didn't immediately go up to the room he shared with Christina. He stopped at the bar and had a drink. He knew Christina would not be happy with his decision, but there was no way around it. The boat was where he had to be.

He ordered a second drink and lingered as long as he could. He almost felt at peace. Once he made the decision to return to the boat, his anger dissipated. Now it was the prospect of telling Christina that left him unsettled… that and his guilt over asking Jessica for her phone number. Fortified, he left the bar and rode the elevator to his room. The ride seemed to take forever, which wasn't long enough.

Christina sat in a thick white hotel robe by the window. She turned as he walked into the room. "Where have you been?" she asked him.

"Walking," he replied. "Thinking."

She rose and sauntered over to him and could smell the alcohol on his breath. "And drinking," she added. He seemed different to her – almost like his old self. She unlocked the door to the small in-room bar and mixed a can of Coke with a small bottle of rum into two glasses. She added ice and swirled each drink with her finger. "Let's have another one – together. Maybe it's time we celebrated," she told him as she sucked the dripping liquid from her finger, and then handed him a drink. "Here." She picked up her own glass and touched it to his. "To better times," she told him.

"Yeah," Josh replied, and they both sipped from their glasses. He placed a hand on her cheek. She had always desired more than he'd been able to give her, and in his mind she did deserve more. "Christina…" he started and stopped. Neither was ready to say what needed to be said. Instead, Christina leaned into him, and he lowered his lips to hers. Her kiss was familiar, sweet and safe, but the image of the pretty brunette who had set his mind straight floated in front of his closed eyes. Guilt niggled his brain.

"I love you, Josh," Christina whispered as their lips parted.

"I know," he replied. "And you've always been there for me… taken me back whenever I've needed you." He wrinkled his brow. "Why?"

"Because you're worth it… _We're_ worth it." She pulled his head down for another kiss, and then led him to the bed. After they placed their drinks on the bedside table, she unfastened his jeans and pushed him back onto the mattress. Talking could wait.

* * *

When Josh opened his eyes in the morning, Christina was not lying beside him, so he rolled over and stretched out. He heard the running shower and wished that he was the one getting clean. He rubbed his face and groaned. He knew Christina was not going to be happy with what he had to tell her. The guilt was still with him - not just for asking for a phone number, but for not telling Christina about his decision last night.

Christina came out of the shower. "Good morning!" she told him and bounced over to him for a quick kiss. "Hurry up and shower. Breakfast is only served until eleven, and it's already twenty of."

Quick shower… hair gel… spiked hair… he was ready. They left the room and waited for the elevator side by side, but both remained quiet, lost in their own thoughts. The elevator doors opened revealing a woman and her two children. "Cassie!" the mother called after her two year old daughter as the girl darted off the elevator straight into Josh's legs. He reached down, picked-up the little girl and carried her back onto the elevator. "Does this one belong to you?" he asked the flustered woman, who still held the hand of her four year old. He tickled the little one before he set her down. Her giggles made his eyes light up.

"Thank you," the mother told him. She stared at his face. "Are you…"

"Probably," he replied. "Josh Harris, Deadliest Catch?"

"That's it," the woman replied. "Oh, I'm sorry about your father. I loved him."

He smiled a genuine smile. "Me, too. I'm finding that he touched a lot of people's hearts."

"Are you going to be back on the show next year?"

"I hope so," he replied. He glanced at Christina, but she hadn't flinched. Maybe, he thought, she would be all right with his decision.

The elevator reached the lobby, and Christina reached for Josh's hand as they let the mother exit first with her toddlers. They got in line for the restaurant, and Josh checked his watch – five of eleven. He wondered if the bevy of beauties would be coming for their pictures. He hoped they had forgotten about it.

Christina noticed that he kept glancing at the main doors of the lobby. "Josh, are you expecting someone?" she asked him.

He shuffled his feet. "I, um, met a group of girls last night and I invited them here to take pictures. I wasn't looking for them, Christina. They just kind of found me."

Christina sighed in exasperation. "Couldn't they take pictures last night?"

"I, um, I wasn't in the mood last night."

Christina rolled her eyes. "Great! I finally get to spend some time with you and now I have to share you again."

"They might not come. They've probably forgotten about it." As soon as those words came out of his mouth, the doors opened and four young women wearing white Cornelia Marie tee shirts walked into the lobby. "Sorry, Christina, I'll get it over with." He pushed his charm button and waved the girls over.

He recognized the two girls who had ridden in the back seat on his ride home. He pointed to the blond and said, "Samantha," and then the redhead, "and Vanessa." He looked at the other two girls and said, "I'm sorry. I don't know your names."

Vanessa introduced them. "The tall brunette is Nicole and the blond is Tara."

"This is Christina," Josh told them as he took his girlfriend's arm. Then he turned to her and said, "They gave me a ride home last night," he told her.

"Well, _we_ didn't," Vanessa told Christina, "Jessie did. Samantha and I just went along for the ride. Nice to meet you," she added. Then she handed Christina a camera. "Would you mind?"

"No, of course not," Christina said with a tight smile. _'Just take the damn picture and get them the hell out of here,' _she thought to herself.

Josh stepped out of the line and faced Christina as the girls stood beside him. He draped his arms around the girls next to him, not even thinking about what he was doing. He was a pro at this. Christina snapped a picture and was ready to hand the camera back when one of the girls asked, "Can we have individual pictures, please?"

Each girl took her turn and Josh rewarded them with a hug. When Vanessa stepped up, she told Josh, "I tried to talk Jessie into coming, but she is one stubborn woman." Christina, looking through the lens, saw a flash of disappointment in Josh's eyes. Samantha handed him a Sharpie and asked him to sign her shirt. Josh patiently did the same for each of the girls and capped the pen. Vanessa handed him a final shirt and said, "This one is for Jessie."

Christina knew Josh well – too well. Something was brewing behind those dark eyes. He thought a moment before he uncapped the marker. She read over his shoulder as he wrote:

_Jessie, _

_Thanks for bringing me home. _

_Josh Harris_

The hostess was graciously holding their table while Josh fulfilled his public relations duties, and Christina was graciously holding her tongue. The girls did not want to leave.

"Thanks, Josh," Vanessa told him. "We're all going to wear these shirts at my bachelorette party. They'll be perfect for a wet tee-shirt contest. I'd invite you, but since you're going back on the boat, you won't be around."

That did it. Christina took Josh's arm and took control. "We really need to go. Nice meeting you," she said and pulled Josh with her into the restaurant.

They sat down in silence, waited for their mugs to be filled with coffee, and then ordered. "Christina, I'm sorry. I didn't think they'd come," Josh said.

"Why wouldn't they?" Christina asked in measured tones. "You're a celebrity."

"Look, Jessie said she wasn't coming, so I thought…"

"Jessie?"

"She was the girl who drove me back last night. I felt I owed her."

"Maybe you did, but not the others. You're too nice for your own good, Josh. You didn't need to spend so much time with them. You do have a life, you know."

Josh's jaw tightened. "They're fans, Chris. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't _be_ a celebrity."

"And you love it, don't you!" she snapped.

"Yes! As a matter of fact, I do!"

"Well, enjoy it now because with your father gone it might not last a whole lot longer!" She was sorry for those words the moment they came out of her mouth.

Josh turned away from her and blinked away the tears that were forming in his eyes. "Maybe it is all over," he said softly.

Christina took Josh's hand in hers. "I'm sorry, Josh. I don't want to fight. It's just that you've been so moody and..."

Josh squeezed her hand and entwined his fingers with hers. "I know. I've been tough to live with… but I know what I have to do now." His eyes turned a darker brown as he said, "I'm going back on the boat to finish the season."

Christina surprised him with her response. "I understand, Josh. It's probably the only way you'll get some closure."

* * *

A week later, Josh was packed and on his way to the airport. He had been quiet the entire ride. After they pulled up to the drop off zone, Christina stepped out of the car as he retrieved his bag from the trunk. She wrapped her arms around him and whispered, "Come back to me."

He smiled and kissed her; then left without a word. Christina shivered. She was overwhelmed with a sense of foreboding. "Of course he's coming back," she said aloud as she got behind the wheel. "He's always comes home to me."

_tbc_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_Well, I'm going home, back to the place where I belong._

_And where your love has always been enough for me…_

The plane veered towards the airport in Dutch Harbor. Todd sat across from Josh, who was sitting next to the emergency exit, staring out the window. He was on his way back to the ship… to finish what his father had started.

"It's gonna be hard, Josh," Todd told him. "When I went back to the boat, I fell apart."

"Todd, nothing's been easy since my dad died," Josh replied. "Seeing Derrick up in the wheelhouse instead of Dad will be…" Josh stopped and squeezed the bridge of his nose. He couldn't continue to talk. It was going to be a heartbreaking – and heart healing trip.

Hours later, Todd stood back and filmed as Josh walked down the dock. The Cornelia Marie was chugging her way in and the tears started. "Ah, the boat," Josh said with affection. "She's looking beat up, dude. She looks like she feels…"

After securing the lines, he jumped onto the boat. As soon as his feet touched the deck he felt at home. This was where he belonged at this moment in his life. He exchanged hugs with Freddy, Ryan and Steve. Their camaraderie soothed him. After depositing his bag in the bunk he usually shared with Jake, he ventured towards what had been his father's stateroom. Josh couldn't enter. He stood outside the doorway and had to force his legs to carry him forward. The last time he had been in that room, he had been comforting his father, telling him that everything would be all right. How wrong he had been. "This is weird," he commented as the memories flooded his mind.

After Josh unpacked his gear, Todd asked him if he was ready to enter the wheelhouse. "Do you want to go up first?" Josh asked him. Todd shook his head. He knew he should have been filming from the top of the steps, but was as unsettled as Josh. He hit the record button. Josh stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked up the steep incline. He couldn't move. He stepped back and hugged himself, and then looked at Todd. "You go ahead up," he said. "I need a minute." Josh turned his back to the camera and rubbed his eyes. He heard Todd place a foot on the first step, hesitate, and then climb to the top.

"You can do this," Josh whispered to himself. He grabbed the railing and took a long, deep breath. He placed a foot on the first step, and then the second, and then the third. He finally reached the top and stood still. Immediately, he sensed a change from the last time he had been in the wheelhouse – no cigarette smoke.

Josh peaked between the monitors and caught Derrick's eye; the skipper gave him a calm, reassuring smile. Josh made his way to the relief captain's chair. Derrick left the controls and gave Josh a warm hug. "Welcome back, Josh," he told him.

Josh stepped away and gave the chair a long, hard look. "That's not my dad's chair," he said.

"Switched them," Derrick told him. "Your dad's chair is over there," he said as he gestured across the room.

Josh walked over to the chair and gingerly sat in its seat. He leaned back half expecting to be heart punched. No such thing happened, and he settled in comfortably. He could almost feel his dad's arms around him. Josh put his feet up on the sill and stared out at the rolling sea. Flashes of conversations he had had with his dad in that room went through his mind. _"What if there isn't a fucking tomorrow?" "You've always paid me what I'm worth…" "Everybody says the rock pile is __your__ spot…" _He closed his eyes. He was emotionally spent. As he drifted off to sleep, he could have sworn he heard his father's voice… _"You done good, Josh…"_

* * *

Separating the crab, throwing the hook, stacking the pots… working nurtured his soul. "I like being here," he told the guys. Even with the days extending into weeks until they were the last boat out on the sea, he felt the same. "I need this right now," he said.

The first week had been hard… harder than he had expected it to be. The repetitive nature of his job allowed his mind to think… and to feel. He had to stop running and finally get a handle on his emotions. Being with his crew – for they were 'his' now – helped for they were mourning almost as deeply as he was. Phil had been a second father and mentor to all of them. Josh realized that as he resolved his loss, so did Ryan, Freddy, Steve and Todd. If Phil's son could work through his grief, so could they.

The end was near. The closer they got to filling the tanks, the more Josh realized how much he would miss the simplicity of being on the boat. It was almost the end of April. CatchCon was May first and Josh and Jake were both contracted to be there. Josh wouldn't even have time to unpack.

Josh received a call from Thom Beers that Discovery had arranged a public memorial for Phil to take place the night before CatchCon opened. "We'd like you and Jake to make the opening remarks, Josh. Can you do that?" Thom asked him.

Josh sighed. "Yeah, I can do that, but I'm not sure Jake will be thrilled about it."

Thom laughed. "He's not. I actually had dinner with him last night. He said he'd let you do all the talking."

"He would… How'd he look?"

"He looks good. You'd be proud of him."

"I am, Thom. I am." Josh hung up. He'd think about what he would say on the plane ride home. He had something else on his mind that would be more difficult to deal with… Christina. She had been disappointed that the season had lasted so long, and she had let him know it. She was more upset, however, that he would have to spend his first weekend home with the fans, rather than her. She had let him know about that, too.

As Josh worked the deck, he tried to set aside thoughts of going home. They were picking up their final string. Soon, he'd be running again, but he was determined to use the final hours on the boat to solidify his plans. He announced those plans to the camera.

"I may move on out of the fishing industry at one point in time. But for right now, this is what I do, and I'm going to continue to do it." He was sure of that response to Todd's question about his future. He would be back on the Cornelia Marie next year, and he wanted the boat to continue on the show. It was what his father would have wanted… and he was going to see to it that it happened.

_tbc_


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it all,_

_And then some you don't want…_

He didn't even have time to help with the final off-load. As soon as they pulled into the dock, Josh had to leave to catch a plane to Seattle. Jake and Christina were meeting him at the airport. He was anxious to see Jake, but Christina – not so much. They hadn't specifically talked about it, but he knew that Christina hoped his fishing days were over with the death of his father. Hell, there had been times when he thought the same. Now, he was sure those days were not done.

As Josh exited the doors of the airport he was met by his brother, who gave him a genuine, real, Jake Harris smile. Josh grinned. His brother was back. Christina approached Josh and gave him a hug. Josh looked over her shoulder at Jake. Jake's eyes were clear and alive. Seeing his brother healthy was all he needed. Now he knew he could handle whatever happened with Christina. He gave her a peck on the cheek and released her. He caught his brother in a bear hug and said, "You look good, bro."

"Gettin' there," Jake replied. He opened the back door to the car. "But I still can't drive."

"What happened in court?" Josh asked as he climbed into the passenger's seat.

"Ah… I, um, I missed the court date," Jake told him.

"You what?"

"I thought it was Thursday!"

"Fuck, Jake!"

"It'll be fine. It's been rescheduled. We have a fuckin' kick ass lawyer, dude."

Christina cleared her throat. "It's good to see you, Josh. Did you have dinner?"

"Yeah," Josh replied. "I brought it with me on the plane." He checked his watch – almost nine o'clock. "What time do we have to be in Seattle tomorrow?" Josh asked his brother.

"The memorial starts at six. I guess we should be there around five. Do you know what you're gonna say?"

"Ah… I was gonna write something on the plane, but…"

"You fell asleep."

Josh laughed. "Yeah, I was exhausted. Still am… I guess I'll make it up as I go along."

"That's fine with me… as long as I don't have to talk…"

Josh's cell phone rang and he rolled his eyes and answered. Not home more than five minutes and someone was already looking for him. "Hello… Hey, Thom… I just landed… No, I don't know what I'm going to say yet… I can handle that without writing something out… Two o'clock's kind of early… Oh… Maybe Jake can do that…"

"No," Jake said.

"You don't even know what it is!" Josh told him as he pulled the phone away from his mouth. Then he spoke into the phone again. "What?" He listened. "Come on, Thom, I just got in…" Josh sighed in frustration. "All right. Jake doesn't want to do it anyway. Yeah… two o'clock tomorrow."

"What now, Josh?" Christina asked him.

"They're having the captains hold some sort of relay race with fans, and I have to represent the Cornelia Marie. They want me in early tomorrow to show me what it's about."

"Why don't they have Derrick Ray do it?" she asked him.

"Because the fans don't know who he is. Besides, he's still with the boat."

"Well, at least you'll be done with your Discovery contract. Then you can get your life back."

Josh turned to her. "Ah, Christina, there's still _After the Catch_ in New Orleans."

"When?"

"In June."

"June, but that's when…" She stopped. She realized she had yet to tell him about her move.

"When what?"

"Never mind. We'll talk later."

Josh felt his stomach tighten. He was not looking forward to that talk.

"So, how's the boat?" Jake asked.

"You know, every fuckin' thing that could go wrong went wrong," Josh told him. He went on to tell Jake about the trials and tribulations the Cornelia Marie and her crew had suffered since she had gone back out to sea.

"Fuck!" Jake said. "She's gonna need a shitload of money. Oh, have you talked with Russ since you've been back?"

"No."

"He wants to know if we're gonna fulfill the appearances Dad had scheduled for this summer. I told him I can't. I'm goin' cod fishing."

Josh rubbed his eyes. His responsibilities just doubled for the next few months.

* * *

Two hours later Josh and Christina, both lost in their own thoughts, were sharing a drink while sitting on opposite ends of the sofa. Normally, Josh liked to sleep for a day or two before easing back into his 'normal' life. He had no such luxury this year. The last time he had left the boat when he and Christina were together was three years ago. That was when they had broken their engagement. He had an impending sense of déjà vu.

Christina placed her drink on the end table, and she slid over to Josh's side. She snuggled against his chest, and he put an arm around her. Both enjoyed the closeness of a human body. It had been weeks…

"Josh," Christina said, "I have a proposition for you."

"Hm… does it have anything to do with going upstairs?" he asked.

She laughed. "Soon... I, uh, I think I know exactly what you need."

"You do?" he asked, his voice low and rumbling as a sensuous smile slid up his face.

She gently pushed away from his body and turned to face him. "Be serious for a minute, Josh." She took a breath and then plunged ahead. "I think you need to do what your father wanted you to do."

He raised his eyebrows. "I thought I was."

"You know as well as I do that your father told you to get out of fishing. And I have the perfect solution."

He lost his smile. "Really."

"Look, your dad wanted you fishing so he could spend time with you, and now that he's gone, you're free to do what you want."

Josh leaned forward and placed his drink on the coffee table. "And what do you think I want?"

"Your own life. I can offer you a fresh start, Josh. You can have time to find out what else you can do besides fishing." She placed her arms around his neck and peered into his eyes. "I was offered a transfer to New York City, and I'm going to take it. I want you to come with me."

Josh stared at her for a few seconds and then took her hands and pulled them away from his neck. "New York City… And you think that's what I want…"

She stood and waved her hand. "It's perfect, Josh! You and Jake can sell your part of the boat with Cornelia. Then you can use the money to go back to school and do something with your life… Josh, I'm talking New York City!"

"Christina… I don't want to sell the boat."

"Why not? It's just a black hole!"

He stood and placed his palm on his chest. "But it's _my_ fuckin' black hole! Mine and Jake's! We want to get that boat overhauled and back out there!" he said, his voice rising as he flailed his left hand in the air.

"And then what, Josh? Just keep fishing?" she asked as she thrust her hands on her hips.

"It's what I do, Christina!" he exclaimed. "And," he continued, "I'm going to do my best to keep us on the show."

"That's what it's really about, isn't it? The show!" Christina shouted. "You want the fame and attention!"

"It's not about that! Look…" He took a breath to calm himself. "Christina, I didn't ask for the fame, but I'm going to make the most of it so I can give something back. I'm going to cover all of my dad's charity events, and start an anti-smoking campaign-"

"And find a cure for cancer while you're at it!" she said as she interrupted him. "You want it all, don't you?" she asked as if she was accusing him of sinister motives.

"I am determined to reach my goals one way or another."

"Be careful what you wish for, Josh," she said through clenched teeth. "You just might get some things you don't want!"

"Like what, Christina? What could I possibly get that I don't fuckin' want?"

"Losing me..." she replied in an even tone. "I've put up with a lot, Josh. I just might not be there for you next time."

Josh turned away and then bowed his head. He had changed a lot since his dad had died. She had no idea how much. He turned back to face her, his intense eyes boring into hers and whispered, "I don't expect you to be."

Christina's face paled. "So, this is it, then…" Her eyes filled with tears.

"I'm sorry," Josh whispered as his own eyes watered. "You deserve someone better than me."

"Don't, Josh! Don't give me that shit!" she screamed at him. "I have been there for you through every crisis. I was there because I loved you, and I thought you loved me."

"I did… I do…" He shook his head and reached out to her. "Christina, I will always love you, but I can't-"

She shrugged away from him. "Don't touch me. I have waited for you for three years… and this is how you repay me?"

"I didn't ask you to wait. That was your choice!"

"And I was stupid for making it."

"Well, sometimes love makes us do stupid things," he told her. He wasn't angry anymore. Maybe he had taken advantage of her, but she had let him. And maybe she was too much like his mother. Both hated the fisherman's lifestyle, but it's what Josh had chosen to follow for the next few years, and if he lost Christina with that decision, so be it.

Christina stared at him a moment longer and turned away. Her shoulders shook as she tried to hold in the sobs. Josh came up behind her and circled his arms around her. She collapsed against him. They sank to the ground and Josh held her against his body as she allowed herself to grieve the loss of their past, present and future. And Josh grieved along with her.

_tbc_


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

_Well, I'm going home back to the place where I belong_

_And where your love has always been enough for me_

_I'm not running from, no, I think you got me all wrong_

_I don't regret this life I chose for me…_

The alarm went off too early. Josh hit the snooze button once, twice, and then accidentally shut the damn thing off. When he finally was able to keep his eyes open, it was already one o'clock. He cursed and rolled out of bed. He'd slept for almost twelve hours, and it wasn't enough. He jumped in the shower, gelled his hair, and threw on some clothes from the bag he had yet to unpack. At least they were clean.

He had to meet the Discovery staff at the convention center on Pier 66 so they could go over the set-up for the memorial, as well as the activities and events that were scheduled for the next day. Matt Renner, a production supervisor from the show, met him at the wharf. "You look like hell," he told him.

Josh smirked. "Thanks."

"I'm serious. Did you sleep?" Matt asked.

"Yeah, but I could sleep for a fuckin' week," Josh responded. "Okay. Just tell me what I have to do."

The van from the florist was unloading pots of flowers. If it wasn't for the huge television screen behind the podium, the stage would have looked like the parlor of a funeral home. Josh supposed that was the point. "So, what are you going to say at the service?" Matt asked.

"I don't know. Something about the mullet, I guess."

"Josh, you have to be ready for this," Matt warned him.

"Don't sweat it, Matt, I've got it handled." He smirked. "When have you ever known me to be at a loss for words?"

Matt sighed. Josh had inherited his father's mouth. "Never. All right, let me show you the Crew Relay Race."

* * *

Rents in New York City were at least double what she was paying in Seattle. Her salary would increase, but probably not enough to cover the difference. She could have chosen to live across the river in New Jersey, but she was starting over, shedding the last six years of her life. She deserved the best she could afford.

She continued down the list of rentals on the web site. A chat box opened up. Tammy, Jake's girlfriend, was online and sent her a message. _'Pier 66? Want to go together?'_

'_Not going. We're done,'_ was her typewritten response.

She stared at those words and expected her eyes to well up with tears, but she had no tears left to spill. She was done pining for someone who loved his family more than her. Didn't he understand how much she wanted to be a part of that family? But no more – she had opened herself to heartache one time too many. No more waiting. It was time to live her life.

The two boys sat on the end of the stage as the friends and fans of Phil Harris gathered. Josh had been uncharacteristically quiet while they waited for their cue to walk on stage. "Nervous?" Jake asked him as he handed him a small bottle of water.

"Yeah," Josh replied as he took it. "I just hope I don't say anything too stupid," he replied.

Jake chuckled. "Better you than me." Josh didn't laugh with him. Jake sipped at his water and said, "Uh, Tammy told me about you and Christina." Josh unscrewed the cap from his water and downed a mouthful. He didn't comment. "What happened?" Jake asked him.

Josh's fingers picked at the plastic label of his water bottle. "She wanted me to relocate to New York City with her," he replied.

"That's fucked." Jake took another sip of water. "You gonna be okay?"

Josh pulled the label off his bottle and shrugged. "Are either one of us ever gonna be okay again?"

"I don't know," Jake replied. "At the center they told me it would take time, but at least I still have Tammy. You've lost both Pop and Christine."

"I'll survive without Christine. She complained that I always chose Dad over her – and she was right, but it was the right decision then… and it's the right decision now."

Matt Renner came over and patted Josh on the back. "It's time," he told him. "And, Josh, remember… we're streaming this on the internet. Try to keep the F-bombs out of it."

Josh rolled his eyes and handed him his empty bottle. He thrust his hands in his pockets and looked down at the ground. He said a silent prayer to his dad, and then climbed the steps and strolled across the stage to the podium. It was time to welcome the folks who loved Phil Harris.

* * *

The live streaming had begun. Jessie Daniels adjusted the screen and sat back to watch the public memorial for Phil Harris. The boys walked across the stage and Josh immediately adlibbed a comment about being on the big screen. She smiled. No paper, no cards… with just his brother by his side, Josh delivered his unrehearsed opening remarks to the large crowd. Like his father, he came across as genuine. When Josh introduced his brother and stepped back from the podium, she saw the sadness return to his eyes.

As others spoke, the camera caught Josh bent over, cigarette in hand, eyes reflecting his pain. There was no one beside him placing a hand on his shoulder. No one offering him comfort. She wished she could reach out to him in some way to help him through it. What was she thinking? She had met him once – only given him a ride. Her chances of ever seeing him again were nil. She was just one of the millions of people he would encounter in his lifetime.

* * *

The memorial service was over and the crowd was tossing white carnations into the water. Jake still seemed a bit lost, and Josh – a bit more at peace. He managed to smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Jessie clicked off the internet. She had never lost a parent, but she knew that the brothers still had a lot to go through. She stood and grabbed the autographed Cornelia Marie tee shirt. Tonight was Vanessa's bachelorette party. She rolled her eyes – wet tee-shirt contest – somehow she'd survive.

* * *

Fans were clamoring for pictures, and Josh and Jake obliged them, but both were glad the memorial was over. It was another hurdle they had jumped. One more day and they could get back to business figuring out how to not only keep the Cornelia Marie, but keep it profitable.

Later that night – much later – Josh rolled into his driveway and entered his empty house. Christina's perfume still scented the air, and he thought to check his cell phone – no messages. He went through his list of contacts and toggled until he reached the E's. Josh deleted her number. There would be no reason to call her. Then he sat at his computer and clicked on the internet. There were no e-mails from her, and he was relieved. This break was permanent. They couldn't go 'there' again. It was time to move on with their lives.

Josh checked his facebook page. He typed a name into the search box: _Jessica Daniels, Las Vegas, Nevada. _And there she was. He clicked on the 'add as friend' button and hoped she would respond. If she didn't, well, his lifestyle didn't exactly accommodate a long term relationship, so it might be for the best.

Someday… someday that would change… a wife, two kids, and he would be there for them… in person as well as in spirit. For now, though, the Cornelia Marie was his home. He wasn't running anymore – not to or from anything. It was the life he had chosen, not to please his father, but to please himself… and he didn't regret it.

_Well, I'm going home…_

The end


End file.
